Resistance and Recovery

My path to recovery started with resistance. Resistance of a problem, resistance of acknowledging my disorder and my past that had fostered it. My disorder and I so desperately resisted so we could stay nestled together where we had been for years. As long as I resisted they didn't know that I wanted it, they …

Uncertainty and Anxiety and Fidgeting; Oh My!

I wish I knew why, or what, or where, or why not. I don’t do well with uncertainty.  It doesn’t matter what part of my life the uncertainty is centered in, it infiltrates everything.  Uncertain about how you did on a test? Everything is terrible because you don’t know how you did until the results …

These Wounds Will Heal

Presentations.

they say they barely recognize the girl in front of them. they say i look tired or sick or dead behind the eyes. I listen to their worries, for them, and give them what they're after. Reassurance that 'i'm fine'. what i refrain from telling them is that i finally resemble the girl i've been …

We Need To Have a Talk About ‘Recovery’ from an Eating Disorder

I have never liked the word “recovery.” It didn’t sit right in my mouth, sounded strange coming out and rendered images of empty stark white hallways with a thick layer of dust and grime everywhere. Recover, return to, regain, but what? Me? My health? Truth is, I’ve never gotten to the bottom of why the …

When Life Throws You An Unexpected Reminder

Remembering to listen to your body and embrace the inherent fragility of life.

I Won’t Call Them Resolutions – My 2017 Goals

I will not call my goals for this year resolutions. I will call them goals. Setting goals, reasonable healthy goals, that are applicable and achievable is fine with me. I do not need to cave to societal ideals and create a list of resolutions surrounding my body as a project. I will create goals that …

Why I Got Tattoos That Signify My Battles With Mental Illness and Femoral Acetabular Impingement

I am seriously afraid of needles. Yet, I have two tattoos. I worked through the fear of needles as best I could, although I’m still terribly afraid, because I wanted these tattoos. I tackled that fear, not for a tattoo because I wanted a tattoo, but for what my tattoos would represent. My two tattoos …

When Adulting isn’t the Dream From Your Childhood

When I was younger, I was always eager to grow up. I wanted to drive, I wanted independence, I wanted freedom. Years later and some days all I wish is to go back and have everything taken care of for me. Recovery from an eating disorder isn’t easy. My sickest years were from 18 to …

Why Reflecting is Paramount to Recovery and Life

Several years ago, I started a journey towards recovery... When I began recovery, I avidly began chronicling all of the ups and downs in a journal, as encouraged by my therapist. I couldn't yet open up much to him or anyone else in my life, so he suggested I begin practicing vulnerability by first transcribing …